THATS RIGHT YOU LOYAL MOTHERFUCKING FANS THE BOYS ARE BACK.
For your viewing pleasure we have the most uneducated, most non technologically advanced person considered to be one of the headliners of this group filled of scumbags and degenerates reporting to you live from my bedroom!!!!!!!!! LETS FUCKING RIDE BABY
As most of you know and for those of you that don’t instead of going to college like the rest of this impressive lineup, I decided to take my talents elsewhere and use my brain compartments and departments to study in the field of garbology as a sanitation engineer, YES, my job sounds extremely important, and if you don’t know what any of those words mean I essentially control throwing the trash that YOU, the people, put on the side of the road for me!
Buckle up and enjoy the ride because you my friend, the viewer, fan, reader, FBI agent, wondering when this company is gonna be running this country one day, whatever the fuck you are, get ready cause this shits about to get heavy I just settled all my lawsuits fuck you Debbie!!!!!
Okay children I’m gonna take you on a magical ride talking to you about the day in the life of a local sanitation engineer (garbageman)
6:00am: As I wake up and rub the crust out of my eye and look over at the 18 rack that was killed no longer than three hours prior to me waking up, I contemplate life, touch myself, clean myself up, brush my teeth, change and jump in my car and head to work, meanwhile realizing I’m still piss drunk and on my way to operate heavy machinery. So what does any logical man do? Go to the nearest convenience store, grab a tin of COPENHAGEN LONG CUT, yes it’s capitalized because if you dip anything else you have a looser snatch than my moms, maybe an energy drink for those of you who don’t drink coffee like me, and here’s the key for when you’re going into work hungover/still drunk/drinking on the job. Grab a king size Reese’s and house them shits, peanut butter hides the scent of alcohol better than anything else on this rock we call earth, and I mean it’s a Reese’s if you don’t house it you’re a bitch.
As I walk into work my boss knowingly smells the booze on mine as well as fellow coworkers breath and doesn’t bat an eye tells me where I am for the day and sends me on my way.
7:00am-About 10:00am give or take
the reason I say give or take because the fun thing about this job is that you can basically control how fast or how slow you go through the day, personally I like to go fast because working for any longer than five minutes without a break or stopping I cramp up and need a water break and ask if you came or not too? Wait where am I going with this sorry I haven’t jerked off today and it’s almost midnight. Anywho the first, ABSOLUTE FIRST thing you need to do when you get to your destination to start the day in this drug forsaken den of a city, you toss in a lip about the size of your cheek because you are going to need it or you will lose your fucking mind, smoking butts is fine too, I prefer Marlboro reds, cowboy killers, get over yourself.
Next hopefully you’re lucky and you’re working with a guy you get a long with so the day can fly by and you guys can talk about how you banged some chick in the ass or how you slap boxed a monkey over the weekend etc. The days you get a guy who’s a fucking loser those are the absolute worse and that’s when I contemplate hanging em up and calling it a career.
Wanna know the best part of being a garbageman? All the free shit. A lot of convenient stores give us drinks, a certain pizza shop gives a pizza every week, and now my personal favorite, when you, the citizen, gives us beer, absolutely nothing gets my pants tighter when I see a 30 rack on top of a barrel as I approach your humble aboad, if you leave me beer and want me to take your whole house I gladly will just let me know, money works too but free beer is free beer.
Couple cons about this job, well when it’s shitty weather out you don’t get a day off you’re out there in the shit absolutely miserable but the gorgeous summer days make it way better
Secondly there are a lot of cunty ass fucking people in this town who think they’re more important than me and all I have to say to all of you is fuck you all you guys are fucking cunts and I hope you rot.
Now here are the two biggest cons, I’ve personally experienced both of these. My first incident was getting hit by a car, VOLKSWAGON, lmk if you don’t get it, one day I was working and some lady hit me to the point I rolled on top of her car hit her windshield and proceeded to fall on the ground, AND THE CUNT DIDNT FUCKING NOTICE AND ENDED UP DRIVING OFF!!!!!!!!!We ended up catching her but she claimed she had some sorta handicap and couldn’t notice a relatively large individual roll on top of her piece of shit car, in the end I ended up getting like $1,000 for it and I didn’t have a scratch on me so no complaints.
Now here’s where it gets shitty, as all of us know this state is going through an opioid crisis and fortunately for me I don’t know anyone who is addicted to opioids or enough where it would not only effect him or her through their daily life but me as well, unfortunately I ended up being wrong. So the week before thanksgiving I was working in the inner city and went to go grab a bag and on top of said bags was a heroin needle and it ended up poking me in the hand. I now have to get tested on a monthly basis for the next five years to see if I contract anything. Fortunately the (hot) doctor I had said I’m going to be fine and that nothing has come up then nothing won’t at this point. Also to the heroin addict that left a needle on that bag, I sincerely hope you OD’d and died on that batch because you are the definition of a large disgusting fucking cunt and I hope you suffer beyond the grave fucking cock.
Anyways in all honestly I lost track of that whole article and tbh I fucking hate my job, but it pays half well, good benefits and a great pension, and big thing I don’t have student loan debt like the rest of you clowns. For the few of you that read this (and hopefully more eventually) treat your garbagemen good and they’ll treat you good whether that’s giving them beer once and a while money, gift cards, or even baked goods, we really appreciate it and it goes a long way, also never ever become a garbageman I can’t stress enough about how much this job sucks.
-GLAD TO BE BACK
Sincerely Yours, GarbageManPat