Recently, I was hanging out with a couple of buddies from school and we were looking back at old photos and videos from freshman year. One of my buddies then sees a picture of me and exclaims: “OH, look at Slender [name redacted]!” referring to me. I have been self-aware that I have put on a little bit of weight. I own a mirror. The top button of my dress shirts is more snug than before (I like to tell myself they shrink in the dryer). I didn’t necessarily gain weight, but I sure as hell have gotten doughier. But that exclamation from my friend was the one, the one that caused SlenderPec to come out of retirement.
So, I’m gonna try get leaner. Plain and simple. How will I do it you ask? Just follow my health tips, and you maybe you’ll be able to shed some ell bees too.
*While remaining a consistent drinker.
Simple. Don’t eat. Make it impossible to be in the green in calories. Just know your body will go into ketoacidosis and bad breath will ensue… not ideal for mating.
Eat A Lot
Secondly, SPIN ZONE: Make that dumb metabolism of yours to work HARD. Trick that motherfucker into working so hard that it burns more off than you shovel down.
Have Mean Friends
Probably the most vital piece of advice I will give here. You need friends to body shame the fuck out of you. That guy who called freshman year me “slender [name redacted]” did so in front of a group of attractive females I barely knew. While I had zero chance of wooing any of these women regardless of my BMI, it still cut me down man. It sparked the start of a new era, the (hopefully, but probably not) return of SlenderPec.
Still Take The Elevator
I love hearing overweight, middle-aged women talking to their friends about their diet like: “Oh, I’ve stopped using the elevator at work, I take the stairs now.” Hun, walking up a couple flights of stairs a few times a day is not gonna make you lose weight. Do you think the first thing on the 9/11 firefighters’ minds was about how many calories they were burning? Didn’t think so.
Every day (sometimes twice a day) (sometimes three if you’re feeling a little squirrely and have nothing better to do), is arm day.
Wolf, is that a banana in your pocket or can you please put your boner away.
We all know nicotine suppresses appetite… but as the FIRST anti-nicotine blog on the line, I condemn any person that heeds to this advice. Too easy. Coward move. Gotta make it count when it comes to burning (kilo)calories.
Watch Kelly Come Into a Close Game to Face a Power Hitter with the Bases Loaded
Sweat that water weight out folks.
Look At Your Father
While your dad likely has a gut that even turns off your Oedipus complex, that’s not what I’m referring to.
HE will show you the way. Trust him. He has a plan for everything. As long you pray, you will lose weight.
Just kidding. Just take the fucking stairs at work or something.
Convert to Judaism
Pretty sure they hhhhave a hhhholiday when they fast.
Drink way too much, puke. Puke, remove everything you ate. Remove everything you ate, refer to Don’t Eat.