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Here’s Why Space Is Bullshit

In recent years, NASA has made efforts to find planets in the “habitable zone” where “liquid water could exist.” Okay makes sense; humans need water to survive, among a plethora of other conditions, but yeah let’s take a closer look. This “Kepler” mission has found “more than 1,000 candidates,” well shit that is dope. Over 1,000 entities in our “habitable zone” that could facilitate human life, tell me more. “Ten of these candidates are near-Earth-size and orbit in the habitable zone of their host star.” Okay, minor set back kick in the nuts, but you’re saying there’s a chance.

To paraphrase the rest of the findings, they found a planet called Kepler-22b, which has a radius about 2.4 times that of Earth and orbits its respective star every 290 something days. Pretty cool shit. But, reading on more into this article it revealed an important fact:

THIS FUCKER IS 600 LIGHT-YEARS AWAY.  And the fastest speed man has every reached is 0.026% of the speed of light. Even if you found a way to reach a speed close to that of light, the smartest group of MIT chinamen couldnt engineer the shit out of path and trajectory. Also, this high speed couldnt be reached in little time, you would have to slowly increase speed over a vast period of time. VAST. If you think you could reach those speeds by the time this shuttle leaves the SOLAR SYSTEM, you’re wrong because their brains will be in the back of the ship due to G-force. What is this “habitable zone”? Because six fucking hundred light years away sounds like a huge fucking stretch.

I’m not even going to touch the whole theory of relativity here. That shit has my brain in a pretzel, and if you arent familiar with it, dont bother. Basically says time is fucked. To sum it up; if you were born on a space ship that was moving at 99% the speed of light, a person on Earth born at the same exact time would be 100 years old, while you are only 1 year old. Yeah, pretty fucking bonkers.

 aliens hqg ancient aliens GIF


Now to circumvent (bad at English, is that the right use of the word) to the point:

Hope about we stop looking for new planets, and just take better care of our own?

I’m not a climate change die-hard like Sally, but there is systematic proof that it exists. There is evidence that our planet undergoes climate change naturally and we are hitting a peak area in regards to that. But compared to peak times in the past, were hitting the over big time, leading to the development of global warming.

Just to reiterate, 600 fucking light-years, yeah let’s focus on healing Earth huh.


So, ideas to make sure Earth is our planet for good and no other planet earns that title:

1. Stop Pooping

Ha, he called the shit poop. I guess shit makes the environment worse. Girls can do as they please (they dont poop). But guys, I dont know, man, just tone it down.

2. Go Extinct 

Easy. If you are 12 years old or younger, stick a fork in your electric socket to make sure its sound and working. If nothing happens, make sure to lick the fork to double check.

3. Eliminate Capitalism

Ever poop without a phone? Exactly.

4. Ditch Sweden

Give the hot blondes a visa for the US, send the rest in misery. Global warming solved.

5. Ban BLTs

Who goes to a restaurant, reads the menu, and says: “the BLT is my best option”. Get the fuck out of here. You went to a restaurant, to get a few slices of bacon, in between two slices of bread with a tomato and head of lettuce. Sickening. At least get a turkey BLT or something. Not to mention you’re paying like $10 for what I just described.

6. Sacrifice Tom Cruise

Or just all scientologists in general. Scientology roast blog coming soon.

7. Diet Coke is better than Regular Coke

Wait, werent we just talking about solutions to climate change?

8. Make M-80s Legal in New Hampshire

OK kids, as soon as its lit, count 1, 2, then toss it. Right around 4 seconds from lighter to blast. If you throw it right away, you lose the excitement of a mid-air pop. Throw it too late, you become a nasty defensive end in the NFL.






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