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Rule Changes That Need To Happen In Baseball

What’s up Roberto. As the MLB postseason nears a close, I have some ideas for potential rule changes to be implemented in the 2018 season.

1. Steroids

Need them. In fact, every player should be mandated to juice. Drug tests once a month, if you pass the drug test, you get suspended. Simple, easy. Remember when dudes were hitting balls to the moon, pitchers were tossing 20 Ks a game, and there was a bench clearing brawl all the time? I want that back. I want fans in the outfield seats to fear for their lives when a HR is hit because it’s coming faster than an injury is for Tiger. I want fuckers hitting like (black) Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds did, waxing balls cleaner than Mia Khalifa.

I know you’re asking, “but Unipec, where can we get such a huge amount of steroids for these players?” Easy. Go to Jersey.

2. Greenies

This kind of goes hand in hand with steroids. Some argued that greenies were the more favorable of the two. The MLB always complains that they’re not fun enough and their players dont interact with their audience enough off the field. You want character? Allow players to use greenies and you’ll have dudes like Darryl Strawberry so hopped up on amphetamines that they party every night until the sun comes up.

When it comes to amphetamine use in sports, I will agree MOST of the time it helps. But slow-pitch softball is that exception. Shit makes you swing way too early, next thing you know you go 0-for with pop-outs to the shallow outfield.

3. Phone Calls for Replays

It’s obnoxious. Coach throws up the “talk to the hand” to the field, waits for his bitch boy Hermes to let him know whether to challenge or not, and 80% of the time it’s an awkward wait for him to say “nah, fuck it.” Fuck that. The play is bang bang for these umps. When you know, you know. So unless you know you have a better than 50% chance that you’ll win the challenge by eye test, sit the fuck down and let your pitching go to work. That’s the whole point of the challenge anyway, it’s to reverse calls that are clearly an err on the ump. Not nit picky shit that even the best ump could mess up. It’s so Galarraga gets the perfect game, not so you can win a pick-off play by millimeters in a 9-1 game. So cut the shit, this isnt the NFL, if you know you know and you challenge that shit, if you’re not sure and you have to resort to the guys up top to let you know because it was a bang bang, you’re a douche.

4. Nudist Ballparks

Because who doesnt love a nice set, of New York Boobs.

5. Lower Priced Beer

MLB Beer Prices

If you couldnt tell from the picture I put of Pettitte and Clemens in my steroids point, I’m a Sox fan. So, WHAT THE FUCK FENWAY. I get it, you can overprice the shit out of beer, but dude c’mon, lower the prices folks. Honestly, only three franchises have fair prices, anything over $4.50 is a kick in the dick. Three points; 1) The Angels have the second highest ticket prices in the MLB, with the third lowest beer prices (hint hint Red Sox management), 2) Cleveland having the lowest beer prices is so Cleveland, even Detroit has higher prices, 3) HAHAHAHA like Philly fans have enough incentive to go to games.

6. Make Yankee Stadium Bigger

We get it you rookie freak, you hit most of your home runs in a little league park at home. It’s time for Yankee Stadium to move its walls past 300 ft. and stop embellishing their meatheads’ pop-ups. They say Yankee Stadium today has the same dimensions as the one played on by Babe Ruth. So either you’re a liar, or the Great Bambino loses credibility because he pulled the ball past 314 ft. a shit ton of times. Pick your poison.

7. Bring Back Bundying Catchers

Look I have caught my whole life, even being self-ranked the 18th best catcher in my division in high school (out of 18 teams). Bring back the collisions. “Oh shit, Buster Posey (who I respect the fucking shit out of) broke his leg on a collision, we need to ban it.” Stop becoming the NFL and let that account as a freak accident. Did it ever occur to you that Posey put himself in a bad position? Did it ever occur to you that the runner may have had malicious intentions? No, you just took the easy way out. Back in the day, runners took out a catcher because they knew they were out. They squared up a catcher that had them in the bag to try and get the ball loose, not to injure them, because that’s not what running a catcher is about. Y’all bitch about the game getting lamer, well you did that in banning this historic part of the game.

8. Robotic/Sensor (I dont fucking know) Umpires:

Michael Scott No

I have no real justification of this, but no. It’s all about keeping you on your toes. One umpire calls this pitch a strike and that one a ball, vice-versa, it changes by day. We want a league that wants to spark up fans? Then keep them on their toes by not having everything so plain and expected.

9. Ban Sunglasses:

Fuck it, I’m reaching now.

10. Cancel Any Non-Pennant Winning Celebrations:

HAHAHA you won a wild card game. You literally have 10 more games to win before anyone ever gives a shit about you five years from now. Cut the shit. You win the wild card game? Cool, have a night, prep for the next series. You win the ALDS? Dope, you still have 4 more wins until you win your respective league. I’m not going to go as far as celebrating winning an LCS because congrats you won your respective league, but honestly if you dont win the World Series, who gives a shit about you five years from now? I wont be so Gran Torino Clint Eastwood, but I’m not celebrating unless I win it all, but I wont bash on teams winning a LCS. But celebrating a wild card game or LDS with champagne and goggles? That’s fucking lame, just spend a ridiculous amount at the bar without publicly, instead of making a fucking scene about not winning shit.

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