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For Those Who Don’t Watch Hockey: The 2017-2018 Boston Bruins Cheat Sheet

The Bruins 2016-2017 campaign ended in expected disappointment, losing in six games to the Ottawa Senators. Clarke “Its elementary, Watson” MacArther beat Tuukka “I’m here so I won’t get fined” Rask on the TD Garden ice. With interim head coach Bruce Cassidy behind the bench, the media and front office seemed to be content with the season, calling it a success to take Ottawa to 6 games.

Uhhhhh ….. what?

What team are we talking about? The BOSTON BRUINS. Original 6. Bobby Orr. Cam Neely. PJ Axelsson. Pioneers of the sport, such as Zac Rinaldo and Chris Kelly, have worn that Spoked B with pride, and disappointment since 1924.

I have been a Bruins fan since my accidental creation. I still have my Joe Thornton jersey from pre school, which was cool until he was traded for his cousin, (Shawn, enforcer, Tapout T-Shirt collector) along with a case of Natty Ice.

Intro over. Lets talk hockey.

A brief, (modern) history of this team, spark-note style:

2011: Stanley Cup win (Suck a dick, Alex “Bit My Finger” Burrows)

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2012-13: Joel Ward and company eliminate the Bruins in a Game 7 overtime deflection, Tim Thomas discovers the effects of weed and leaves the team.

2013-14: Tuukka Rask wins the Vezina (Best Goalie), carries the team to Stanley Cup against Chicago. 17 Seconds, just Google it. That summer, the Bruins traded what seemed like their future leader in Tyler Seguin, citing maturity issues. In return, the Bruins obtained a bag of garbage. (Reilly Smith, if you’re reading this, fuck you)

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I love you, sweet prince

2014-15: Bruins miss playoffs, Tyler Seguin snipes 37 in Dallas. Peter Chiarelli, the man responsible (CC: Cam Neely) for trading Seguin, is fired after the season.

2015-16: Bruins miss playoffs in back to back seasons.

2016-17: Claude Julien, the coach who took the Bruins to a Stanley Cup victory in 2011, is fired and replaced by Bruce “Bosley” Cassidy. They proceed to lose in first round to a very, very boring Ottawa team. Brad Marchand, notorious asshole, lead the team in all scoring categories, impressively netting 39 ginos. Las Vegas (should’ve been Quebec City) was granted an expansion team, and held their draft. Each NHL team was permitted to protect 7 forwards, 3 defensemen and one goaltender. The Bruins, being who they are, let disappointing first round pick Malcolm Subban sign with Vegas, along with former Manchester Monarch, defensemen Colin Miller.

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Master Bruce, our savior

So, what now? The B’s have had a very Bruin-esque season so far. Opening night, they were able to beat the Western Conference Champion Nashville (I honestly have no idea why the NHL put a team in Tennessee) Predators, 4-3. After a great game, we saw a home-and-home with the Colorado Avalanche; the perennial worst team to use in NHL 17. Naturally, the Bruins dropped both games, then followed up with a victory against the DIII Arizona Coyotes. The B’s headed to Vegas with hope, but must have been roofied by Alan, as they faced off against former prospect Malcolm Subban, who obviously got his first NHL win against his former team. Tonight, the B’s face-off against the Vancouver Canucks, a team that has been trying to rebuild since 2011.

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39 Goal Scorer, Nose Faced Killer, huge tequila guy

Currently, the Bruins are missing (pretty much) all of their talent, due to injury. Human traffic cone David Backes is returning to the line up tonight, but the Bruins are currently missing starter Tuukka Rask, veteran and local bad boy Adam McQuaid, grinder Noel Acciari, and most importantly Patrice Bergeron: leader of the team/best two way hockey player ever. The B’s also announced last night that the extremely useless Ryan Spooner will be out 6 weeks.

Why should I care about this team?

Great question. You really shouldn’t, but the Bruins are like crack: probably a bad idea, but once you do it, you’re hooked (ask Bobby Brown). This team will once again play with our hearts and confuse the fan base, playing fast hockey against a talented team, but forgetting how to skate backwards against the bottom of the league.

Season prediction:

The Bruins will miss the playoffs, as they do not have the talent or depth to really compete with the top teams in the East. (Metro conference, looking at you) However, they have enough skill to beat the bottom half of the league, leaving a possibility of finessing their way in like Rick Ross after a glass of champagne. Realistically, the B’s are expected to finish either 7/8/9 in the conference, being good enough to compete, but not enough to win a championship. But, being the Bruins, who the fuck knows, right?

Classic Fight clip of the week:

 

Let’s ride, and go B’s. Everyone needs a reason to drink, right?

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