Pooping. Everybody does it. Guys do it. Girls do it (allegedly). People have been pooping since the beginning of time. Pooping knows no race, no religion, no political affiliation. Yes, the sweet science of pooping is one of the few areas of life where we can all put aside our differences and let loose. Some may say, “pooping is all business, handle your shit (pun intended) and get out.” To those people I say nay! Here are the five best things to do while you’re pooping:
- Check Twitter
A no-brainer for any poop enthusiast, your time on the can is the perfect time to get caught up with the Twitter world. For those with lives and stuff to do, Twitter is often forgotten during the day, and the 5-20 minutes spent taking a poop present a great opportunity to get caught up. Want to check out some funny/racially charged memes? Want to watch Jimmy Kimmel fight with the President of the United States? Want to creep on that girl from your chemistry class? Well now you have the chance to do all of these things because homie, you are pooping.
- Fantasy Football
The TV show “The League” famously coined the phrase “tinker-stinker time” and they couldn’t have been more spot on. Nothing better than surfing the waiver wire while dropping some heat.
- Jerk off
Say what you want about pooping, 90% of the time it is extremely enjoyable. You know what else is enjoyable? Sex. What if there was a way to mix both of them? Oh, there is? You don’t say!
- Call your parents
If you are a college student, you know how hard it is to remember to call your parents. Alcohol, sex, jumping off of roofs through tables: all things which may arise during the day and cause you to forget to call the ones who made you. But what if you put a little sign in front of your toilet saying “call dad.” Now you have a free period of time, nothing else going on, to check in with your parents. (Side note: if you don’t tell your parents that you just got back from the library every time you talk to them then you should start right now).
- Rock out with your cock out
I’ve had a speaker in my bathroom for about a year now and it’s life changing stuff. Taking a really intense poop that you really have to hunker down for? Listen to Metallica. Stoned as balls and taking a chill poop? Listen to Wiz Khalifa. Sunday morning hangover poops? Do all four of the above items and listen to Reminiscing by Little River Band. You can thank me later.