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Here’s The Official KyBron Breakup Breakdown


Its a tale as old as time. These celebrities get together, their all hot and heavy, and they never last. Now here we are at the start of the NBA season and there are so many question marks about that will happen next. Every break up has a winner and a loser. Its no different for power couple Lebron James and Kyrie Irving. Sure everyone will say “No I’m fine I haven’t even thought about him”, or tell everyone the guy had a small dick, but thats all bull shit. These gentleman spent three long years cuddled in each others arms. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter who’s making more money, or frankly even who’s truly happier. Its all about who won the break up. I have broken down both sides of this tragic heart break, and both these guy shave a solid case. It is important to look at where they stand in this break up now, to where they finish at the end of the road.

I broke the scoring system down into a 7 game series, and broke the basketball terms down into a way that relates to real relationships. Use your imagination.

1)Any time theres a break up, the hotter person immediately comes out on top to start, especially. Just a fact, pretty people have it easier. LeBron James is probably the hottest chick in the NBA. And lets make this clear, Lebron is definitely the chick here. He’s been a 10 since he walked into the league at 18 and actually gotten better with age (rare). He’s averaged 27-7-7. Its gonna be real hard for Kyrie to find someone better.

LeBron 2-0 lead

2)  Almost equally important is who broke up with who. LeBron was without a doubt the controlling one in the relationship. It seemed like every game he was screaming at poor little Ky-Ky for something he did. Domestic violence is very real and has to be taken seriously. Sure everyone on the team saw it, but they turned a blind eye and just let it happen. Some people argue that every couple fights, and its totally normal. Was this an abusive relationship? I’m not couples psychiatrist but it seemed at the end of the day Kyrie thought so and had the strength to finally stand up to Lebron and get out of there, no matter how hot of a chick he was. The “dumper” automatically get points.


Kyrie steals one at home


3) Its usually pretty clear to see how cares more about the breakup in these situations. LeBron is notoriously bad about hiding his emotions, and I’m positive there was a couple nights he had 1 to many glasses of wine and drunk dialed Kyrie asking for him back. Kyrie on the other had has been a stone cold dick head showing no remorse for kicking LeBron’s ass to the curb. He danced on his grave before he even left and he’s handled every interview perfect, not giving the media anything to make himself look bad. My man is just moving on.

This ones a blow out folks: Kyrie ties it 2-2

4) After a tough break up both people have to move on. This was a tricky one.

LeBron has already found himself another man. Or an old man. D-wade was always Lebrons first love. Even though getting back with an EX is kind of a weak move, you have to consider Lebron’s age. At 32, he isn’t getting any younger. His biological clock is ticking. Wade might not be as much of a catch these days, but sometimes you have to settle for the “safe pick”, LeBron Needs a companion and is fine living in a sexless relationship if it makes him look better.

Look at these two love birds.

Kyrie has been single and ready to mingle. I imagine he’s the guy at the bar trying to dip his wick in anything that moves. He’s been playing the field with a lot of new young talent. Thats exactly what he should be doing, he’s a young guy, go out there and have some fun buddy. He’s got plenty of time to mess around with Hayward, Tatum, and Brown while the Warriors dominate the league for the next 2-5 years.

Last thing to consider is LeBron’s other new piece. Isaiah Thomas is an absolute sweetheart everyone loves him. I know I sure as shit miss my little guy, but don’t forget Isaiah is 5’9. No chick wants to be with the short guy. I see LeBron sticking Isaiah in the friend zone, which will cause some locker room problems.


I still love you buddy

They split the next two: Series tied 3-3

5) Finally, I hate to consider marriage the deciding factor in who wins a break up, but for the sake of the analogy we’ll say a championship is the wedding. Nothing would would be harder to see then your ex getting married to someone else, and thinking it should have been you up there. Kyrie could close out this hypothetical series in Cleveland and get married in LeBron’s back yard, but nothing would be sweeter to LeBron then metaphorically shoving a title right up Kyrie’s ass (and literally D-Wade’s). At the end of the day the one wearing the ring gets the last laugh here. Whoever it is is going to have to  get permission from Golden State.


Tip off tonight at 8:00 and boy are these things always awkward. Should LeBron bring him a dozen roses? Will Kyrie break down in tears? Tough to tell whats going to happen. Both teams are basically brand new and playing together for the first time. The Cavs are slight favorites at -4. You have to imagine Cleveland will be able to mesh quicker because they are more experience and guys that have played together.

Pick: Cleveland -4 Over 212.5






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