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iTunes Top 10 Power Rankings 9/19/17

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I am a firm believer that Apple has to much power. Anybody who’s not a dick has at least one Apple product. I’m not one to speculate on the whereabouts of Steve Jobs. maybe he’s  dead maybe he’s wherever Bruce Wayne went at the end of the Dark Knight Rises. All i no is I’ve had an iTunes account since 2005 and the top songs section has always been bull shit. I am without a doubt the most out of touch person in the world when it comes to music and I blame Apple I am always at least 2 months late to any new music. I also generally dislike most of the music thats come out over the past 5 years, but because I basically have no clue who anyone is my impressions are totally unbiased. So this responsibility falls on me. I have carefully dissected the top ten songs (listened to at least half of every song) in order and will rank them in a totally opinionated way that anyone with a brain would agree with.

  1. Post Malone: Rockstar
    • This one is easy. This song FUCKS. Post has some great flow and you can bump this song doing anything. I was roughly 4 months late to “Congratulations” and people were getting sick of it right when i really liked it so I’m glad i caught this one on time.
  2. Cardi B: Bodak Yellow
    • another easy one, this shit is trash. literally sounded like a joke someone made with their friends making fun of other terrible songs. It sounds like every other trap rap song ever made and is basically just white noise at this point. I will give it to the guy he knows what he’s doing , people will be using phrases from this shit pissing me off, and playing it at every party making me loose my mind. I don’t understand how people can honestly like this garbage, theres no way, I don’t buy it, people are just told they’re supposed to like this guy so they do. NUMBER 2 iTunes? give me a fuckin break. I made it to 1:12 of this song… it sucks.
    • Also, really don’t understand the “bloody shoes” reference I hear in a bunch of songs, maybe I’m an idiot, I don’t care, this song still blows.
  3. Gucci Mane: I Get the Bag
    • uhh sure. yeah its Gucci. pretty catchy uhh Migos was good on the feature. Its fine, I’ll probably listen again and Gucci is THE man so I’ll toss it the “like”
  4. Logic: 1-800-273-8255
    • First things first, that is an absolutely preposterous name for a song. I mean way to long to remember. if I’m saving any space at all in my brain for rap lyric phone numbers I’m dedicating that to Mike Jones (281-330-8004), Thats all his real estate up there pal. Logic’s face really confuses me and i don’t enjoy looking at him he looks like if Steph Curry fucked Steve-O. I’m in on this song too though. It’s pretty catchy and kind of a gimmick that people eat up, there was a lot different parts and styles of hip hop wrapped into one song. The features mixed it up ad the singing made it a complete song. I’m very sold on Khalid i think this kids gonna be the real deal.
  5. 21 Savage: Bank Account
    • This guy is a clown, you can not take him seriously, but I think I love him. He owns it and I respect the hell out of it. Rapping about “fat titties” and casper the friendly ghost will win me over 10 times out of 10. My guy 21 knows what puts asses in the stands – Bedding an excessive amount of black women, and stacking paper in a bank account while you echo your own name trough the whole song.
  6. Lil Uzi Vert: The Way Life Goes
    • WOW upset of the year. I was fully ready to bleed out of my own ears and pounce on the this guy. But i gotta say, this song is kind of delightful. It’s a pretty fucking good song. I’ll tell you what, when I rolled out of bed this morning I was not expecting to learn how to endure the adversities of heartbreak from a guy named Uzi, but I’m sure as shit glad it happened.
  7. Kodak Black: Roll in Peace
    • This song was just like every other trap rap song you’ve ever heard, but with a twist, it was recorded in Luigi’s Mansion. I was pretty scared for the first 1:30 listening to it, but i have to admit the beat grew on me and I was actually tapping to it a little by the end. So this song is listenable if you can put up with the nonsensical moaning into the microphone.
  8. SZA: Love Galore
    • Pretty basic song, sounds like a lot of other shit out there. Would love for someone to tell me how to say her name because I think she’s got some real pipes and she’s sneaky pretty cute. Travis Scott was a good addition to the song and based solely on one listen to this track, I am certain these two banged. Look for me to start fucking with this SZA chick.
  9. XXXTENTACION Jocelyn Flores 10. Fuck Love
    • I’ve bene hearing a lot about this guy. To me he’s the new Chief Keefe, meaning that i thought he was gonna be a total joke and he was so bad people would laugh him away in a week and that’d be the end of it, but it turns out he blows up and starts a whole new style of rap. Both of these songs are terrible, the first one is less then two minutes. its not even a full song, the verse is like 4 bars. #9 in the country Apple? come on
    • XXXTENACION, whatever the fuck that means, proceeds to follow that up with a full song this time that is basically just a suicide ballad. there is zero joy in listening to either of these songs. He is so depressing nobody should listen to this guy. I’m pretty sure theres some rule about psychiatrists having to report anytime someone talks about hurting themselves, but this guy drops full albums about it and its nothing? I don’t no i just feel like someone needs to take this guy into some kind of custody.

Without Further Ado, The Official iTunes Top 10 Power Ranks for the week of 9/17/17

  1. Post Malone: Rockstar
  2. Lil Uzi Vert: The Way Life Goes
  3. Logic: 1-800-273-8255
  4. SZA: Love Galore
  5. 21 Savage: Bank Account
  6. Gucci Mane: I Get the Bag
  7. Kodak Black: Roll in Peace
  8. XXXTENTACION: Fuck Love
  9. XXXTENTACION: Jocelyn Flores
  10. Cardi B: Bodak Yellow

Thats the list, I admit I might be a little hard on Cardi B I think he’s a guy I’m supposed to like and he’s probably pretty good, but that was absolute shit to me and really pissed me off for some reason so fuck that dude.

 

 

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